


Great Aunt Margery's Wedding.

by jhsdhalr



Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-28
Updated: 2012-11-28
Packaged: 2017-11-19 18:12:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/576200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ianto's Great Aunt gets married yet again. This is the original story on which I based my Sherlock story about Aunt Hever.  It's crack, of course.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Great Aunt Margery's Wedding.

"Anything interesting in the Mail then?'' asked Jack, leaning back against Ianto's bed pillows, naked except for a red ribbon tied loosely around his cock.

Ianto sighed heavily and sat down on the edge of the bed. ''It's just an Invite'' he said ''to a wedding."

''Oh great" Jack exclaimed, sitting up, "whose getting married then? Am I invited? I LOVE weddings."

''Great Aunt Margery'' said Ianto, looking miserable.

Jack actually looked surprised, which was unusual for him. ''AGAIN?" he shouted ''IT'S ONLY A WEEK OR TWO SINCE WE WENT TO HER LAST WEDDING AND THAT WAS BAD ENOUGH--- A FAT, BALD, OLD MAN MADE A PASS AT ME!"

''That was Uncle Morgan'' said Ianto '' he had too much to drink.''

''IT WAS TERRIFYING!'' Jack yelled, getting off the bed and untying the ribbon ''I'M NOT GOING THROUGH THAT AGAIN!''

''It's nearly three months ago now'' Ianto pointed out ''and please stop shouting, Jack.''

''Your Great Aunt Margery grabbed me and tried to put her hand down my pants'' said Jack.

''She fell over'' Ianto explained ''she just grabbed for something handy to pull herself up with.''

Jack groaned. ''What happened to her Husband then?'' he asked ''he didn't last long, did he?''

''He fell overboard while they were White Water Rafting'' said Ianto, perfectly seriously ''he hit his head on a rock--they think he died instantly.''

''Why were they White Water Rafting?'' Jack gasped ''weren't they both over 70?''

''He was 69'' Ianto said ''and she was heartbroken.''

''And now she's found another sucker'' said Jack ''this'll be number----what? Eleven or something?''

''Twelve, I think" said Ianto, slowly ''or thirteen--let's think--her first fell head first off the Eiffel Tower, and then there was the one that died of food poisoning and then there was the one that choked to death on a tooth and---''

''How can you choke to death on a tooth?'' interrupted Jack, looking puzzled.

''He only had one and it came out while he was eating a donut and he swallowed and------IT'S NOT FUNNY, JACK---it was tragic.'' Ianto tried not to smile himself. ''Anyhow'' he continued, over the sound of Jack cackling loudly ''then one of them went out fishing in Scotland and never came back and then there was the one that fell down a well in Australia-----that was on their Honeymoon---and then one of them got bitten by a bat in South America or somewhere like that and got rabies----and--''

''I think she kills them all'' Jack laughed ''in brilliant ways so everyone thinks it's an accident.''

''It doesn't matter'' Ianto muttered ''we HAVE to go--she's invited the whole Team--and it's a THEME Wedding too.''

''The last time I went to a Themed Wedding we all had to dress up as fish'' said Jack ''I went as a Cod.''

''That's just ridiculous'' Ianto snapped crossly ''and I don't believe you--- anyhow----this is an Easter Theme. It's an Easter Wedding.''

"It's true'' Jack answered ''and I am hurt to the bone that you don't believe me----I went as a Cod---what you call a battered Cod. I wore a black eye patch.''

Ianto started to laugh. He could just picture Jack dressed as a Cod wearing a black eye patch. However, the Wedding loomed horribly in his mind. Ever since he was small he had been going to Great Aunt Margery's Weddings. The Family had even started to make bets as to what would happen to each Husband. It was alarming, and Great Aunt Margery was weird too. He dreaded the Wedding. He absolutely dreaded it, but he had to go--his Mother would never forgive him if he didn't. Great Aunt Margery was her favorite Aunt---for some reason. He started to wonder what the new Husband was like--and how long he would live.----------

*****************************

Three weeks later, Jack, Ianto, Gwen, Rhys, Tosh and Owen went to Great Aunt Margery's Wedding. She was Married, with great ceremony, considering the bride was 73 and the groom was 72, in the grounds of a large private house in North Wales, which turned out to be owned by Great Aunt Margery herself. She had evidently sold her country cottage, which had only 8 bedrooms, and bought this new place, which had 12 bedrooms and a ballroom.

It was obvious, when looking around at the guests, that the Easter Theme had proved difficult. Ianto thought he had never seen so many Easter bunnies in his entire life, and as for eggs----well---- somehow the sight of Owen dressed as a chocolate egg, complete with ribbon was quite frightening and Rhys and Gwen made terrifying bunnyies. Gwen had trouble with her ears, which kept flopping down over her face. Tosh looked charming dressed, for some inexplicable reason, as a Chinese dragon and Jack was a huge rabbit with pink ears and a bright red tail. Ianto came as a chicken's egg which meant that he couldn't sit down. It wasn't too noticeable during the ceremony though because the shape of the chairs meant that NONE of the Eggs could sit down.

The Ceremony itself, which was mostly written by Great Aunt Margery, was long and boring and at one point a Choir from the local School turned up and sang Easter Parade, very loudly, while dressed as baby chicks. Great Aunt Margery wore a long yellow dress covered in feathers which made everyone who got near her sneeze. Her new Husband wore a yellow suit with tails-----fluffy yellow tails. At the end of the ceremony several dogs wearing yellow coats ran in, carrying squashed chocolate eggs, still in the boxes, just about, in their mouths. Great Aunt Margery and her Husband, whose name was Howard Smith, removed them from the dogs, with difficulty, and proceeded to throw them {the eggs that is-- not the dogs} to the Wedding Guests.

Gwen was hit by an egg and Jack caught one, or at least a bit of one, between his teeth. Ianto stood back against a wall and watched the proceedings. It was alarming just how juvenile people could be when presented with the opportunity to grab free chocolate eggs, he thought. Owen and Gwen actually started to fight over one egg, a fight which Gwen won because she bit Owen's neck. Vampire, thought Ianto, as he watched Owen trying to stop his neck bleeding. Jack was, depressingly, just as juvenile as everyone else. At one point Ianto saw him stuff almost a whole egg in his mouth to stop someone else getting hold of it. The dogs didn't help by running around and biting people, and one of them peed up Ianto's Uncle Phil's leg and he didn't even notice.

Finally, the eggs were all gone and the, by now, disheveled guests retired to the ballroom for the main part of the reception, which was a buffet meal. All the food was yellow, or cream colored. The tables positively glowed with yellowness. It was terrifying. Ianto found himself separated from Jack and standing beside Gwen, who had chocolate stains all over her bunny costume.

''Great, isn't it?'' she said to him, cheerfully ''I'm having a fantastic time. I wish I'd thought of it for my Wedding.''

''You were pregnant with an alien'' Ianto pointed out ''you'd have looked revolting wearing yellow.''

''I look fantastic whatever I wear'' said Gwen ''everyone knows that.''

''Yes, whatever'' said Ianto, wondering what had been in the eggs to cause this particular delusion. He drifted away from Gwen and looked around for Jack. Disconcertingly, he found him being pressed up against a wall by Great Aunt Margery herself. He looked terrified.

''Oh Ianto'' said his Great Aunt, as he approached ''I've captured your boy friend. He is so cute and gorgeous.''

''Let him GO, Aunty'' said Ianto firmly ''you're scaring him.''

Great Aunt Margery moved away from Jack reluctantly. ''Is he good in bed?'' she asked ''I bet he is. I bet he is.''

"I'm not going to tell you anything like that'' Ianto replied, trying not to sound as if he wanted to pull Great Aunt Margery's head off.

''Oh darling'' said his Aunt '' have I upset you?--oh dear, dreadful little me.''

Ianto grabbed hold of Jack, who was just standing motionless, looking stunned, and pulled him away from Great Aunt Margery, who called after them ''Don't forget--there are plenty of bedrooms--go and have a good time in one of them.''

''Please, let's leave'' Jack said, as they made their escape ''I'd MUCH rather face a mad alien than your Great Aunt Margery.''

''You have to talk firmly to her'' said Ianto ''she's only human, after all.''

"Is she?" Jack muttered, as they picked up their plates and joined the queue for the food ''and while we're here--what the hell is that?'' He pointed up toward the ceiling.

Ianto looked dutifully upward and saw a large object, covered in cooking foil, hanging from a chandelier.

''It's a goose'' he said, calmly.

''A goose'' repeated Jack ''why is there a goose hanging from the ceiling?''

''Great Aunt Margery always has a goose hanging from the ceiling when she gets married'' said Ianto, in a matter of fact tone ''she had one at her last marriage--I'm surprised you didn't notice.''

''I probably had other things on my mind'' Jack snapped ''like your Aunt's hand down my pants.''

''It's a tradition'' Ianto explained, as they finally reached some of the food ''after the ceremony and the reception they take it down and burn it on a bonfire----you haven't seen that bit before because last time we left too early.''

''Your family are seriously deranged, you know'' Jack said, as he helped himself to some yellow colored chicken slices ''I'm constantly surprised that you're so normal.''

''I don't think deranged is the right word'' said Ianto somewhat crossly ''eccentric-----that would be better---anyhow, you can't boast----you're the man who likes to stick carrots and cucumbers up your bum.''

''I put lube on them first'' Jack protested.

''And then you wipe them with a cloth and EAT them'' Ianto continued. At that moment the band started to play very loudly, so any further arguing was luckily impossible. Jack and Ianto filled their plates and managed to secure two seats against a wall. Next to them on one side was Ianto's Father and on the other side was Gwen, who had removed her bunny hat and was gobbling up food as if she hadn't eaten for a month. Next to her, Rhys was leaning back asleep.

Ianto's Father looked irritated. ''The usual chaos'' he complained, as soon as Jack and Ianto sat down ''the goose is FAR to high--we ought to be able to touch it if we jump at it----it's too high---- and this cream isn't yellow, it's cream colored. I sometimes despair of your Mother's family, Ianto. They couldn't organize a piss up in a brewery.''

''It's what Great Aunt Margery wanted, Dad'' said Ianto.

''What's wrong with a duck?'' his Father continued ''that's what I want to know. A duck was good enough for your Mother and me when we got married--why does SHE have to have a goose? And how the hell are we going to get it down? We'll have to climb on a ladder--that really defeats the whole purpose of it--doesn't it? We can hardly have a free for all jumping for the goose when we can't reach it without a ladder, can we?''

''Perhaps someone will lower it a bit first'' Ianto sighed, wondering what Jack thought of all this weirdness. As a child he had first realized his family were odd the day he started School. His Mother took him, and when they arrived at the School gates and she said goodbye to him she actually sang it. She did a tap dance too. He had spent most of his School years trying to convince everyone he was adopted-----

*******************************************

After the food was, miraculously, all gone, the tables were cleared and the band grew louder than ever as everyone started to dance. Ianto dragged Jack onto the dance floor and they tried to move in rhythm to a very boisterous rendition of a favorite song of Great Aunt Margery----In the Gloaming----which was actually a sad Victorian thing about an abandoned woman. Half way through the song, Great Aunt Margery took to the stage and began to sing. This was without a doubt the worst thing Jack had ever had to endure in his long life. Great Aunt Margery sang as if key and time signatures didn't exist ---and that was being kind.

The next song was, according to Ianto, called ''The White Cliffs of Dover'' although you would never have guessed that because Howard Smith joined the new Mrs Smith on the stage and they sang it as a duet. He couldn't sing any more than his new wife, unfortunately. The whole experience made Jack feel ill so they tried to escape from the ballroom but were stopped by Ianto's Mother.

''You can't leave until we jump for the goose, Ianto'' she informed them sternly ''it would be VERY rude and dancing is good for you----haven't I always said that? Aren't you glad I made you go to all those lessons now?''

''Yes, Mum'' said Ianto with a sigh ''but Jack doesn't feel well.''

''Nonsense'' said his Mother, punching Jack in the ribs with an amazingly strong left hook ''he looks glowing with health.''

She marched off and Ianto put his arms around Jack, who was actually gasping for breath. ''She used to box--for fun'' he explained ''she forgets how strong she is.'' He pulled Jack over to a line of chairs and there was Owen with one of Ianto's cousins, a plump female by the name of Gemma, sitting on his knees. He looked rather red in the face and didn't seem to mind much when Ianto asked him to move so Jack could sit down, as the other chairs were all occupied by older guests.

''Better?'' said Ianto, after a few moments. Jack was definitely regaining his color, he thought.

''I wish we could LEAVE'' Jack groaned.

''We HAVE to wait for the goose'' said Ianto ''everyone was very cross that we didn't wait last time Great Aunt Margery was married.''

''I hate your family'' Jack complained.

''Some of them are quite normal'' Ianto pointed out ''think of my Uncle H. He's an accountant.''

''You always call him Uncle H.''said Jack ''why wont you tell me his name? It's something weird isn't it?''

''It isn't his fault'' Ianto protested ''and he wont change it because he's used to it.''

''What is it then?'' asked Jack.

Ianto sighed. ''Harriet'' he said at last.

Jack looked smug. ''Told you, weird--all of them---except you'' he said.

''Let's dance'' Ianto said, swiftly changing the subject before Jack got onto HIS middle name ''they seem to be playing something we can actually dance to now and everyone's stopped singing.''

As they drifted out onto the dance floor Jack said loudly "I thought all the Welsh could sing.''

''Our family THINK they can sing'' Ianto sighed ''they don't KNOW they can't.''

Jack reflected that it was just as well Great Aunt Margery and her new Husband had stopped singing as he was about to get into the record books as the first man to die from listening to people singing. Now all they had to do was wait for the goose Jumping and then they could go------

******************************************

At exactly Midnight, Ianto's Father, whose name was actually George, although everyone called him Popeye, mounted the stage and shouted, ignoring the handily placed microphone, for everyone to stop dancing. This was not really necessary, because everyone had stopped dancing an hour ago, and most of the band had already gone home and Great Aunt Margery and her new Husband had gone off to bed upstairs--saving their energy for the long trip they were taking the next day. {They planned to spend their Honeymoon negotiating the Amazon River in a canoe.}

''WHEN THE GOOSE HAS BEEN LOWERED WE'RE GOING TO HAVE THE CEREMONY'' he screamed, going red in the face with the effort of making himself heard without a microphone.

''Why doesn't he use the microphone?'' Gwen's voice was clearly heard asking as soon as Popeye stopped screaming.

''Perhaps it's not working'' Rhys suggested.

''My Father NEVER uses a microphone on these occasions'' Ianto explained.

''Why not?'' asked Gwen.

''I think he's worried about radiation'' Ianto said, slowly.

''You can't get an overdose of radiation from using a microphone'' Tosh, who was standing nearby, pointed out.

''I know that'' Ianto muttered ''you know that--everyone knows that--except my Dad.''

They watched as two large men came into the ballroom carrying a ladder. One man climbed the ladder, while the other stood below and kept it steady. It was no more than a moment before the goose came tumbling down from the chandelier and plummeted rapidly earthwards, landing on the floor with a loud SPLAT, and spreading a huge circle of gunge in all directions. Unperturbed, the men gathered it up and attached a new and much longer bit of rope to the hook sticking out of one end. Eventually the goose, dripping gore, was affixed to the chandelier again. This was the cue for Popeye to resume screaming.

''WHEN I BLOW THE WHISTLE'' he screeched ''EVERYONE JUMP FOR THE GOOSE----THE ONE WHO KNOCKS IT DOWN GETS A PRIZE--DON'T FORGET.''

''Oh goody'' Owen said ''a prize--I wonder what it'll be--a dead dog maybe?---Or something equally fantastic.''

"Shut up, Owen'' snapped Jack crossly ''Ianto can't help his Family, can he? And the food was good once you forgot the color.''

At that moment Popeye blew a whistle and, if Jack had thought things were weird before, this was definitely weirder. A ballroom full of people of all ages and sizes, mostly dressed as Easter bunnies and eggs, rushed as one toward the goose. Almost right away most of the eggs fell over, as running while dressed as an egg is not something most humans have much practice in. The bunnies started to jump for the goose and got in each others way and fell over and of course, everyone was slipping and sliding in goose detritus which, of course, no-one had seen fit to clear up. There was a lot of screaming and shouting, mostly of the "you got in my way" and ''get your great hooves off my foot'' variety.

Ianto did not jump for the goose and neither did Tosh because jumping, or even moving much, dressed as a dragon was simply impossible. Rhys, Gwen, Owen and Jack did jump for the goose, and, by her magnificent biting ability and having the most pointed elbows in the known galaxy, Gwen actually knocked it down. Everyone stopped jumping, screaming and fighting as Popeye blew the whistle indicating the contest was over. Gwen was chaired out of the ballroom by a hoard of shouting, cheering wedding Guests.

''Gwen is a marvel'' commented Rhys admiringly, as they followed the crowd out into the grounds of the house, ''she can even beat people at jumping for the goose.''

''Very useful skill when chasing aliens '' said Owen, sarcastically.

Rhys was in love, he was immune from sarcasm. ''She might meet an alien goose'' he said.

''Yeh'' said Owen ''we meet lots of alien geese.''

***************************************

Eventually the crowd stopped and gathered about a huge pile of wood and what seemed to be discarded furniture. Popeye mounted a small platform in front of the bonfire and started to yell again.

''NOW'' he shouted ''WE BURN THE GOOSE--WHOSE GOT THE GOOSE?''

No-one had brought the goose, so several people ran back to the ballroom to fetch it. It was quite hard to carry, as it was dripping and going soggy but they managed somehow and dumped it, with a SPLOTT, in front of Popeye as he stood on the platform.

''WHERE'S OUR WINNER?'' Popeye yelled, and Gwen was pushed and prodded until she was forced to mount the platform along side Popeye. It was really too small for two fully grown adults and a goose, so Gwen had to stand on the goose itself, which was both unpleasant and dangerous. She bravely stood there uncomplaining though---well---maybe she did whine a little--but not much and not very loudly.

Gwen had to throw the goose on the bonfire and then light the fire with a taper which, conveniently, was lying on the ground next to the platform. At least, that was the theory anyhow. Unfortunately a dog was chewing it, but it was mostly still in one piece. Gwen climbed off the goose which meant she then had to stand on Popeye's feet. He didn't object and even helped her lift up the goose. Soon the goose was resplendent in her arms--erm--dripping away nicely and starting to smell quite a lot too.

Gwen made a valiant attempt to throw the goose on the heap of wood and failed. It simply landed on the edge of the platform, toppled sluggishly over the side and oozed onto Ianto's Mother's feet. Half a dozen men rushed and lifted it up again and Gwen had the thrill of being given a second chance at throwing the goose. She made a great effort and threw--screaming out ''go on the fire you fucking thing'' as she threw. This solved the problem magnificently and the fucking thing landed on the heap of wood, slipping downwards into the center of the heap very slowly, leaving an evil stench and lots of blood and gore in its wake.

There was then a brief and lively fight to remove the taper from the mouth of the dog who was worrying it. Evidently, according to Ianto, they had to use THAT particular taper because it had been blessed by some Bishop or other. Jack didn't believe that story but it was actually true. The Bishop was a friend of Great Aunt Margery. He had almost married her once but had been deterred by the fact that her previous Husband had drowned while trying to swim across the English Channel dressed as a bear.

Finally, Gwen had the taper in her hot sticky paw and Popeye lit it----after a few unsuccessful tries {around 30}. Gwen leaned forward, almost topping over as she did so, and lit the bonfire. Dense black smoke filled the air enlivened by a very revolting smell and a few feeble licks of flame. The crowd cheered wildly and began to remove their costumes and throw them onto the bonfire.

''WHAT ARE THEY DOING?'' shouted Jack, over the sound of at least 100 people cheering and shouting.

'WE MISSED ALL THIS LAST TIME'' said Ianto cheerfully, as he climbed out of his egg ''THIS IS THE BEST BIT.''

''THEY'RE STRIPPING'' Jack moaned. He had no objection to being naked really--but in front of Ianto's odd family---- that was not a pleasant prospect.

''OF COURSE'' Ianto said, in a calm reasonable tone of voice.

''WHY?'' asked Jack.

''WE ALWAYS DO THIS AT WEDDINGS'' Ianto explained ''THEN WE DANCE AROUND THE FIRE AND THE WINNER OF THE GOOSE COMPETITION GETS THROWN ON THE BONFIRE. THAT'S THE PRIZE.''

''SHE'LL JUST BURN TO DEATH---'' Jack moaned ''THAT'S A FOUL WAY TO DIE--WHY DON'T WE SHOOT HER FIRST?''

''JACK'' Ianto was naked and grinning wickedly ''WE PUT THE FIRE OUT FIRST----BUT DON'T YOU DARE TELL GWEN THAT.''

Jack grinned back and began to remove his costume.

 

THE END.


End file.
